“Summer Medical Experience”

Circumstance, though a vital component to the theory of the self-fulfilling prophecy, is viewed by some as the sole intangible hands that mold the human psyche and write the predestined story of our lives. So believed is its power over our outcome, that some would consider us “creatures of circumstance,” alluding to an unbreakable ownership and forfeiting any influence we have regarding our own future. Could anything be more disheartening or un-inspirational? Yet, is it not true that one’s response to circumstance has just as much influence on their outcome?

My first year on Duke University’s campus, these same thoughts fluttered my brain, taking up much more space than I would have preferred. I had a profound doubt in my ability to match those that surrounded me. The mere reputation and wealth of the other students filled me with a dreadful uncertainty of my own ability and a feeling of being hopelessly adrift on a wave composed of the circumstances that controlled my outcome. My self-confidence beneath this sea of circumstance, I asked constantly, “Who am I to be here?”

This lack of confidence presented itself in the choice of my first job on campus; The Sarah P. Duke Gardens. I beg you not to let the term “garden” leave a light, easy and flower filled idea in your mind, nor to allow it to create an image of me in oversized crocs happily pulling weeds. Though I did mostly enjoy it, the work was much more difficult and tiresome than anticipated, involving uprooting tree roots, tilling soil, cleaning fish pools and a never-ending process of shoveling mulch. There is nothing wrong with this work, as my father would say, it “builds character.” But I was a Pre-Med student with a major in Neuroscience and double minor in Chemistry and Psychology at one of the most prestigious Universities in the world, yet the only job I applied to was one of manual labor. Today I wonder how this speaks to my mindset in those earlier years.

As time went on and I became more aware of my own academic abilities, I began reaching for new and better experiences suited to my goals. I decided that I would find positions that would present me with opportunities to improve myself in three aspects I deemed vital as a physician: the heart, the mind, and the will.

My sophomore year, I applied to be a Resident Assistant. What better way to open my heart? This position allowed me to provide a safe and welcoming environment for incoming freshman. I helped many like myself maneuver their first year at Duke and provided open ears with words of encouragement. Despite the rewarding compliments and gratitude from my residents, my job was emotionally draining. I heard stories of abuse, addiction, rape, and death, and I found myself fatigued from empathy. Many times I sat and comforted freshman as they recounted dark experiences and retold traumatic stories from their past, all while attempting to deal with issues of my own. Along with how to properly console and care for others, this position taught me how to care for myself. I had to learn that, no matter how much I want to fix it, I will never be able to solve every problem for every person, nor could I emotionally carry their burden because I am only one person. I developed my heart greatly with this position and, in a way, divided it in two compartments. Imagine your heart like a cupboard with only two cups inside. One cup is for others and one cup is for yourself, however, before you can fill the cup for others you must fill your cup first. One cannot pour into another with an empty cup.

While still holding my position as an RA, I sought to gain experience expanding my mind in research and medicine. I began research in the Motor, Aging and Cognition Brain lab (MCAB.) Here, currently, I learn how to properly collect data, perform studies, and ethically present research. I have traveled to conferences and am currently working on my own study on the effects of drugs on subjects with varying impulsivity. We hope to be able to apply our findings to victims of drug addiction and hopefully increase our current knowledge on how likely people are to become drug addicts. The betterment of my will came in two positions I have held as a volunteer for a hospice organization and as an assistant researcher in the Lenox Baker Pediatric Hospital. During my sophomore to junior summer I volunteered in Atlanta, Georgia with VITAS, which is a hospice organization specializing in the care and comfort of patients with 6 months or less to live. Though I had no direct contact with the patients, I sat front and center and marveled at how hard nurses and doctors worked to comfort patients who had a known and inevitable end. These medical professionals had an incredible will. This will was also seen in the Lenox Baker Pediatric Hospital. Working under Dr. Joan Jasien, a top Pediatric Neurologist, I have helped read and analyze numerous studies to find the best possible treatments for patients. Even today, because she noticed the absence of needed information, she and I are working on two studies in order to improve the care of patients with spina-bifida so to reduce the rate of comorbid diagnosis at time of death.

So, was I too a creature of circumstance? Of course. I even fell into the pitfall of thinking that my circumstances controlled my life and my outcome, that I wasn’t worthy of what I wanted. However, I’ve learned that my actions, reactions, beliefs in myself, and intentional planning all contribute to my current successes and future outcomes. See, circumstances have never fully controlled our outcome, nor will they ever be an excuse for a lack success. They will always happen, and my circumstances have helped shape me into the man I am today, but it is our response that will create our outcome. Circumstance no longer has a hold on me. I chose to seek improvement despite what happens. I chose the power of growth. I chose me.